The Walls We build …

elisabetta-foco-241-unsplash

A nightmare woke me up this morning … it has nothing to do with what I am right about, but waking up at 03:30am kind of lead me here, penning these thoughts.

So I get ear worms a lot, usually they carry a message I need to adhere to. Its how life speaks to me in a way. Music fanatics will understand this. The song is by Phil Collins and there is a line that goes like:

“Ooh, it’s so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger”

Then I thought shouldn’t it be “the fear of love leads to isolation” as that’s how we build up walls. Then I realise I have spend so many years isolating myself and build up tall and strong walls. Now that I am faced with breaking these wall down, I am like “ohhhh my where do we start”

One of the lessons I keep learning in this life of consciousness is that no one is going to come and heal us, fix us and make us whole, we have to do it ourselves. So that we do not shift blame and responsibility for our lives to someone else who perhaps just want to love us .. and is not equipped for ‘walls-breaking”. Not every potential partner is a construction worker who knows how to creak up brick & mortar of our hearts. We need to do our own inner work too .. and break down those walls.

Again “uhhh so typical” life experiences have caused us to build up these walls, but its time to break them down .. because the fear of love will lead to isolation.

I needed to pen this down for me, to speak to my own heart and go like “Girl  what have you done through the ages .. how thick & is this wall you have built here, you sit and marvel at it, but honey … it got to come down”

 

P.S

This is the song & it carry a different message for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkxLTZm-6OE

“My parents are divorcing .. .. how can I fix this” .. #TheFixIt mentality kids have when parents separate

When two elephants fight, it is the grass that gets trampled.  ~ Swahili saying

elephants

In an emotional intelligence session I had a few months back with teenagers, parent’s divorce / seperation was a high intense topic the teens raised. We allowed them time to vent and talk about how they feel about things, we also allowed them to share their experiences and offer each other advice, before me & a facilitator chirped in to guide them on how to handle these situations.

Its been interesting that a majority of the time, when parents fight, children often go through the following emotions or thoughts:

  • Maybe they are fighting because of me, I must try harder to be a good child so that they stay together
  • What can I do to ensure my parents stay together
  • Who will I choose to stay with in order to not hurt the other parent
  • What can I do to fix this
  • Maybe I shouldn’t have told my Mom about that lady I saw with daddy, this is my fault
  • Have they stopped loving me, why cant they stay together for my sake
  • What can I do to make them love each other again

In our communities, black community, children are often no addressed when major life events happen. Often the thinking is “we dont discuss adult things with kids, its none of their business”, but strangely enough when all the fight happen often the kids are around listening to every word, analysing every word and internalising the words to try find some meaning of what maybe be happening. So they become custodians of these words spoken in anger and they keep them so close to their even way after the grownups have forgotten. Even here few parents address the aftermaths of things with kids. “They are young what to they know about grown up stuff”.

A boy once met in one of the school I give talks at came to me after a talk and he said to me

“Maam, my dad passed away a few months ago, but before he died I saw him & my Mom fighting. I couldn’t do anything. Then after a few months after that fight he had a stroke & passed away. My Mom is always angry now and is always shouting at us, my younger sister is behaving strange and I am also always angry and I am failing at school. I dont know what to do”

If you read in between the lines you will realise that this boy is partly blaming himself for the death .. “if I had intervened that day they were fighting .. maybe my dad would have been alive today”

So kids always get absorbed in their parents relationships and to not talk to them or explain things in a way they will understand creates more insecurity in them, that they find ways to play out. Either they will draw from life or go through life angry, bitter and resentful. They can not fix things, its not their role to do and in fact the separation of parents might be a blessing in disguise for them, as they will get a chance to see their parents happier with less fights and verbal abuse for them to witness.

So my advice is talk to kids, find out what their thoughts and fears are about how things are playing out; so that you can answer some of their questions and soften some of the fears and most importantly that they may understand none of it is their fault.

December Holidays

When my own parents separated I truly ended up not liking the holidays because I almost felt guilty about where we should go and who to spend time with. It seems that no matter what we do we were choosing sides. My mother was a great sport in this as she would try make this as light as possible for us and recommend that we go spend time with our father, but yet I still felt bad for leaving her alone on Christmas day. So we would at times spend a part of Christmas with her & a part of the day with dad, until we later got used to it. I would cook for both homes and split the food in half so that all homes had the same cooked meal and none felt left out.

Truly the best to be done is not be tense about things, don’t bad mouth each or make the kids feel an extra guilt by saying things to them that would make them feel they are choosing sides. As long as there are kids involved, parents must be civil and decide what will be of their best interest. Because families and situations are not the same, its truly best to find out what the kids would want that is reasonable and explain to them if some of their requests are truly impossible and offer alternative that will help them accept the situation and still not be resentful of everyone involved.

I guess what I am saying is: there was a time when kids were not spoken to, that time is over. Communication is important as it helps the child to gain clarity and acceptance quicker.

*P.S. I am not an expert in this field, just advising on capacity of having listened to conversation with teenagers*

written by Nomveliso kaMbanga kaNguta, also knows as a Teen Coach ❤

The price of Sexual liberation … to Teenagers .. #Shhhh the kids are NOT asleep

sex revolution

I am invited to talk about #TeenPregnancy this coming week, and in my planning I was really scratching my head on what approach I should have. I usually prefer an audience that has both young girls and young boys, because I vehemently believe that we can no longer address girls only on how-to-not-fall-pregnant then leave the boys out as if they are not the seed bearers.

So in my planning a thought dropped in my head: sexual liberation, sexuality & modernity also known as sexual revolution.

In the past few weeks I have been reading a lot about sexual liberation that females are demanding in terms of sex.

The urban dictionary’s definition is as follows:

Sexually Liberated – The ideology of one shamelessly and often satisfying their sexual needs and desires without the burden of guilt or the judgment of established morally-correct societal mores. One who, when horny, has no qualms finding someone(s) to break him/her off proper – preferably many, many times over! This applies equally to women as it does men, and often, the gender of the sexual partner is moot as long as orgasm is achieved. There is usually mutual sexual desire/tension and neither party has expectations of future encounters, though should they present themselves, they are rarely declined.

Wikipedia’s definition:

The sexual revolution, also known as a time of sexual liberation, was a social movement that challenged traditional codes of behavior related to sexuality and interpersonal relationships throughout the Western world from the 1960s to the 1980s.[1] Sexual liberation included increased acceptance of sex outside of traditional heterosexual, monogamous relationships (primarily marriage).[2] The normalization of contraception and the pillpublic nuditypremarital sexhomosexuality and alternative forms of sexuality, and the legalization of abortion all followed.

With the sexual revolution, house sex parties, at teenager level, also increases; with booze weed and all sorts of so-called recreational substances that have added more to the societal pressures than just the guise of recreation.

sex-talk-kids-know-more

When I was young, when grown-ups had certain conversations, we as kids were asked to go to another room or go outside and play as grown-ups were talking. We were never allowed into such conversations. Now with the prevalence of social media everything or information or conversations are open to all teenagers, BUT we are not checking how teens receive the information they consume. With us growth ups constantly fighting for the non-judgemental right to sleep with whomever we may want to sleep with, including sleeping with the kids under the guise of “ben 10nism” to “sugar daddy-ism”; Is it not perhaps time that we start addressing the growth ups about the scourge of teen pregnancy? Is it also not time we educate the teenagers about what this sexual liberation truly is, where this notion comes from and how they can exercise their so-called rights in a way that will not harm nor derail their own lives and their development.

But then .. if we as grown ups seem to be struggling with the same sexual liberation, do we really expect kids to win?

Grown-ups it is time to join the conversation! What are your kids overhearing you say? And what do they see you do?

I once asked a question on my Facebook timeline: why do parents still find it so hard to talk to their kids are sex, in 2015 with such an assumed sense of sexual openness. One person said maybe it is because the parents themselves may be doing the very same things. Ouch!

And then do we address oral sex when we do the sex talk or thats not important as we dont want to give them ideas? when a USA study was it showed that teens chose oral sex and yet we all know the STIs also linked hygiene & oral sex .. so sithini ke bazali xa kunje? But then what is the healthiest ways for teens to explore their sexuality without us as grown up policing everything??

oral sex n kids

For now I will do my best to address this issue with your teens, at the schools that I have access to me by invitation.. BUT all my talks will be futile if I as the parents at home are sleeping with 10 different sexual partners in one week, in my home in front of my kids, without explaining to them what it all means. May be the instead of damning the kids alone in this scourge of teen pregnancy, lets also ask ourselves important questions.

Written by Nomveliso kaMbanga kaNguta also known as a Teencooach and also running around the country calling herself First Lady VNN 🙂

The hysteria .. being a female startup entrepreneur ..

I have sooooo much work to do, but guess what I am doing. Nothing. Zilch. Tried quieting my mind, but nope not working. So much to do, so little time and the brand is growing well …yet a lot of imbalances too.

I have just completed a year as a startup and it was riddled with building a foundation and putting system ps in place and now things are growing steadily and my products are getting out there and my achievements or successes of my previous mentees are shooting up, giving me a pat in the back in terms of some approaches I had tried.

One of thee biggest challenges is getting rid on the employee mentality, so today I was signing up for an executive programme. I was filling up a form and had to choose a title then OMG it hit me: I DID IT …I truly own my own business!!!

Then I thought OMW, I need to go out more to represent my business, so how am I going to handle sexual innuendos that are said to be pushed at female entrepreneurs when they seek business clients, will I swear at swear or will I kick whatever guy inbetween his whatehat or will I just turn and walk away. What will be my stand? How will I ensure I remain feminine yet a strong black woman who is not apologetic about my decisions and position? Then I thought wait a minute …wait a minute..what if I don’t measure up to these titles I have given myself: Founder, Managaing Director, CEO, Snr manager ..then I went like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mtrinity, but there is no going back now!!! No plan B here, DO or DIE and hold integrity very close to my heart and admit when I get bad days and move on!

I switched my phone off, switched my emails off and put up this image below on my facebook profile and watched Being MaryJane ..

I kind of figure this feeling maybe like PMS ..it will fiddle away in a few hours and I go back to my go-get-your-business-girl mood!

One thing is for sure, I am not longer an employee, and the employee-mentality has got to fall!

“I am every woman its all in me”!

**opens a new back of fireballs and munches away the time till my 4pm meeting**

Written by Nomveliso kaMbanga kaNguta

IMG_7390.JPG

Book over coffee, juice and heart .. .. #AloneTalks

I have just finished 12months since I quit my job and became a startup entrepreneur ..and what a befitting session to attend that coincided with this milestone.

She wrote a book, a memoir of her life, published it and shared it with the world. Then I think she realised she could do so much more, so she created a platform to not only disucss the book but other socially relevant topics pertinent to our world. The book titled Alone by Lebo Pule.

Conversation is thee most under utilised facet of our existence, we ruin things by talking and there is a saying that says that only talking can fix those same things. So in the talk I attended we read Chapter 1 of the book #Alone. Which covered interesting topics from having a child at 16, the behind the scene action of giving names to kids and it also talks about her embrace of darkness. We then shared our own experiences and took the conversation around each and everyone of our lives (you almost have to be in the to grasp the profound interaction, to deep to mention here). The group was small and intimate and added a warm comfortability to having conversations without being scared of our vulnerability, seeing we were almost strangers.

If I were to summarise the session I would say we embraced the notion of solitude, self reflection and not being afraid of life’s breaking points. Where life can be so challenging that it forces you to solitude, to a literal place of not switching on the lights and switching off external noises like TV, plus taking some time alone. An analogy that Lebo mentioned was that even seeds go underemath into the growth, in darkness before a beautiful flower springs out into the light; that even babies spend time being formed into the womb before they come out into light. That it is ok to allow ourself to break now and then, so that a new life or new strength can be formed in us. Lebo also alluded to another reality that we sometimes dim our lights so that we minimise who we are to fit in to what is normal …in a way I think I got my own permission to no longer dim my own light, but also to be mindful of time / timing as even that works out perfectly in its own time, as long as one is self aware.

I am so glad I attended, and I hope life wont be so busy that I miss next sessions as such conversation and platforms are too valuable for words.

Get the book, read the chapter and reflect on where you are currently in your life. Attend the live talk session, challenge yourself out of your own comfort zone. There is so much power in human interaction.

As the last line of the book reads, I too say it “I am no longer alone”

P.S we also spoke about teen pregnancy, as my field I gained so much insight for the work I do with teens .. I will blog about this soon, once the words find me 🙂

IMG_7320.JPG

Dear absent father .. I beg you … I plead with you .. ndiyakucenga ngentliziyo yam YONKE <3

IMG_7267

 

Dear absent father ..

Do you wanna know one of the reasons the mother of your child sometimes is a crazy raging lunatic in your eyes and horrible drama queen .. its partly because it is hard to be a parent …while you have the luxury of “escape” ..she doesn’t.

We could say all sorts of things like ‘yeah she can behavior better & be the better one’ etc etc and sound all philosophical ..

BUT …

Imagine how it must feel like to be woken up by a crying child from sickness you have no clue of, at the wee hours of the morning, with no car & no medical aid and fearing the death or loss of the one child that gives you sanity …while the father, you, drives around in your fancy car driving from club to club & posting images of a fun life on social media .. and guess what? the child maybe sick from a family illness that they got from your side of the family BUT you were never there to inform the mother.

Imagine a teenager who gives his mother such drama and misbehavior because this teen doesn’t know how to tell their mother they just want to know how their father looks like. All their minds want to have is just an image of how their looks like at least! They want to know if they inherited YOUR frown, if they laugh like YOU, if they walk like YOU, if the lines in their hands are similar to YOUrs and if care about their existence.

I know sometimes you think the mother of your child wants money all the time …

Well money means nothing in comparison to what she has to do everyday ..so that you can say to your friends: I have a child!

So I plead with you and I whisper in you heart, please make contact. Even if your child pushes you away at first … please do not give up. You need your child the same way they need you too!

I speak love into your heart … no … I speak the resurrection of a strong love in your heart, one that will give you the courage to make that connection!

I wish you love!

P.s. So why do I care? … because I care about the children of this country and if we say it takes a village to raise a child, then it starts at home. You don’t have to stay with your child full-time to be a good parent. You just need to show up when and where it counts the most!

Written by Nomveliso kaMbanga kaNguta, sometimes I am a #Fatherhood whisperer ❤

About a Mayine old lady & my Xitsonga speaking guardian angel <3

I had a trip to Benoni this week, to speak at a school one of my Teens invited me at. My cab driver was an elderly woman in her mid 60s but feisty as ever with a golden heart. In our small talk she mentioned the coming summer and how weak this years’ winter was, but then she said something I found quite profound. She said “summer will not come until it rains, kufuneka INE imvula kuqala”

This was so profound to me because of my “Mayine” principles and also that my business is named as such too and she did not know all this.

Now this totally preached to me a message in my heart that was very timely, that sometimes RAIN is necessary before great outcomes. Then I quickly reflected on the past few months in this journey and how tough things have been and this seemed to preach that: before an awesome summer starts, rain first appears to not only water the ground in preparations for whatever has been planted in it – so it grows healthy but also rain is good at washing the air from any toxicity and also this RAIN also symbolises a transition from one season to another. So next time you hear or see me write MAYINE ..this is what I am talking about ..

So MAYINE iintsikelelo …nako konke okulungileyo ..

Then on the same day I travelled to Soshanguve koBlock G to meet up a team that runs a youth organisation team. I was not aware that Sosha was that far so I travelled a bit late which meant travelling back late to Joburg. I got off at Noord a bit dark and had to walk to Bree taxi rank. Now I have my township tricks on how to walk in the dark so I am seldom afraid although I try not to travel at night if I can. Some boy tried to sell me some foolish thing and I managed to shoosh him off though he was persistent, a few feet later a lady who spoke to me in Xitsonga tried to make conversation, I could pick up a few words & greeted back & laughed at the areas I didnt get so well and I heard her mention we were on the same taxi …I had not noticed ..she laughed and went her way and dissappeared into the night; but because she was walking slightly behind me as she spoke, I had to turn my head ..and I realised later she was also trying to tell me my bag was open …in my back pack I had my iPad and handbag and it was gaping wide open …now I do everything in my iPad and I mean EVERY thing including planning for my work.

So that day I realised my guardian angels speak all sorts of African languages …and this day I met my one who spoke Xitsonga ….had she not spoken to me I wouldn’t have noticed my bag was open ..so that boy who was selling me stuff may have had someone opening my bag .. But she, my guardian angel, was right behind me too!

So who said guardian angels speak only english ❤️❤️❤️

I am safe and well taken care of!

MAYINE!!!!

IMG_4314.JPG

Babies who rape or kill other babies ..

It is not new, and thats what makes it so sad and so bad. The difference now is that thanks to social media a lot of the news that happen in our communities get to our eyes and ears quicker.

We have to let go of the inherited practise of sweeping things under the carpet, it didnt work because it meant no one paid up to the consequences and kids ended up emulating bad behaviour.

We know also that in our communities esp. townships close to tarvens and shebeens, violence happens almost every weekend and the kids are always there as curious onlookers. They see teenage boys stab each other who also witness grown up men shoot each other. And yet at the end of the day no one looks at the children and offer them trauma counselling.

Our schools have become a haven of violence from wounded and broken spirits who dont know better because they have not seen better …

As grown ups we have got to do better ..

And most important its time to take care of our children ..not only the ones we gave birth to

If we say it takes a village to raise a child ..we have got to start living this out!

There is a parent somewhere crying “umthwalo wam uyandisinda .. ndiyacela ndiphathise”

written by Nomveliso kaMbanga kaNguta, teencoach.

IMG_7244-0.PNG

Biological clock what? … … Huh?

IMG_2507

In my type of lifestyle .. you hear a lot of “women your age …blah blah blah” .. from why I should be in a serious relationship by now, to why I should be having kids to all sorts of stuff …

But can I just talk about my life’s purpose, the joy it brings me & how I sleep with a HUGE smile in my face each time I see a teen say “”oh now it makes sense MsVee, I hear you..” and putting together programmes that make sense.

Can we, at some point,talk about the value & power in living your life’s purpose ..can we? Coz in reality I will not date for the sake of dating nor have a child for the sake of having one ..if all that happen its a bonus to the life I am currently .. but for now I am about this purpose driven life in my lifetime!

So yes do not ask me how many babies I have given birth to yet ..

..rather ask me:

How many young lives I have impacted .. now that’s a conversation that will not only bring a huge smile on my face but will open rivers of happy inspiration on what I could do next to impact the youth of my country.

Do not judge me by your lifestyle choices / standards .. I am a First Lady unique in every form

A non-conformist at the best trying to rid myself of societal traps that seek to clone us to be images of each other.

*written by Nomveliso kaMbanga kaNguta*

Its either you love ambitious women or you don’t!

 

IMG_2507

Been trying to find the right angle to write this note .. its just hard. So let me just pour all my emotions on to this -_-

I find it highly annoying that in 2015 there are still men who feel the need to control seemingly ambitious and self driven women. Highly annoying because often their biggest challenge is that they feel they need to control this type of woman, a form of reeling her in so that she is controlled and acts like how a woman should act.

I totally dislike the way relationships are framed these days: where each partner seeks ways to control the other partner as much as they can and that is called love. From women giving out so called visas to men telling their women which hairstyle she should have; to deeper things where partner controls how the other grows financially in a relationship in order to curb one being intimidated by the other to some controlling each others career paths etc etc ..

I have been told so many things by so called men who love me, who often hold a “but..” Where most feel I would need to tone down a bit or this or that I would need a man who would know how to control me so that I am not too much or do too much. Whatever that means!

I knew my life’s purpose / mission at a very young age. I knew that my purpose is linked to me leaving this world a better place. That my existence means that I have a role to play in the world that would ensure that a baton gets passed from this generation to the next. So I knew that my purpose has to be priority, otherwise whats the point of being born, is it only to party n eat and die? Absolutely not!

So my ambition is NOT to compete with a man, nor am I living to intimidate men. I just understand that I only have this one lifetime to live out the purpose I was brought on earth for. I just refuse to settle for a man who will come into my life and cause me to forgo my life’s mission. Often when you don’t conform to society’s norm, you get pushed to write letters like this.

Also for me to fulfill my life’s purpose I have to be ME. I have to push against odds, I have to challenge myself, I have to evaluate the things society teaches us and I have to ask the Creator if that script is one I have to follow. My life’s purposes forces me to live my life in such a way that I cannot be a copycat of anyone. Otherwise I will not able to finish my life’s mission if I do so.

Often a lot of men seek to control women like me, they see us as a wild project that needs to be tamed. A woman that needs to a man so she tones down and start behaving like any other normal woman. Often these men do not love women like me but love the idea of being with a woman like me, as long as he can later control her and tame her. Often its the jealousy to want to own her, so that we belong to nobody else but him.

The error is that by design love in its purest form is not so restrictive. We have learned this wrong type of love that we keep teaching each other that we have grown to believe that love is to own and cage in, until one dances to the others tunes.

But ….

The way that purpose driven life is designed is in that one will be miserable and highly unhappy if they do not live out their purpose. So miserable will they be that they will make everyone around them miserable too. Because purpose driven life requires freedom and love in its purest form, for it to flourish.

The sad thing is this some of this unhappiness people have in their relationships has been defined to be the character of love and the character of true relationship. No one seems to question purpose of being and purpose of coming together ..

When all the kisses are done, all the sex is had and all the promises said ..why should we be in a relationship together? If its to control and cage me .. please pass I am not the woman for you!

And I will not be miserable because I went through this lifetime with no man by my side, but equally if I do get a partner .. it will be a bonus to partner with an equally purpose driven man, who understand his talents and that he needs to hone them, live his best life in this lifetime and not feel the need to gain his confidence feel purposeful by controlling the woman in his life!

It’s either you truly love an ambitious woman or you dont.

At the heart of every ambitious woman is a heart that want to give love and get love back in return. No gimmicks nor competition! Life made us this hard, the best you can do is us exchange life stories without one feeling like “my story is better than your”

The end! Venting done!

I have lived with my own company and I love(d) it!