Yesterday I died …

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“For to die is gain .. For when we die, death no longer has dominion over you ..dying to the law ..in order that we may bear fruit …But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code .. and the life which I now live in the .. I live by faith ..” Different verses in The Bible

So yesterday I died .. to self as I know me. Yesterday, not in the day before today but in the psychological description of a time and life as I have always known and lived, a yesterday as defined by societal definitions, laws and ways of life and being. Yesterday I chose to die, because I realised that its the only way to have the life I want to have, that dying to what I know is the only way I can embrace the life that is trying to push through.

Ever since I have embarked on this start-up entrepreneur route, so much challenged me (my-self) and so much more that I also demanded from my-self. I realised though that the life I used to live before this journey needs to die. The self as I know it, needs to die.

Self is defined as self-pride, how I am known as in the impression I may have lived out and given to people in my portrayal of “me”, self as in my personal ego and sense of self importance. All of these, needed to die. I need to die so that a new person can come out, a new life.

Wikipedia defines self as ones perception, emotions, nature, desires, character, thoughts etc

When you embark on a journey of following your purpose or dreams or any journey that requires that you to wade through against societal norms; one can no longer live a life of “what will people think of me, what if they don’t like me, what if I fail, what if I do not make it, what if I lose everything I am known by, what if I don’t make …” embracing any form of ego feeding thoughts

One just needs to do one thing: Choose death to self .. So that you can start living void of the imprisonment of self as is know.

“An essential part of the awakening is the recognition of the unawakened you, the ego as it thinks, speaks, and acts, as well as the recognition of the collectively conditioned mental processes that perpetuate the unawakened state” – Eckhart Tolle

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle

Jesus in the Bible said “except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom ..” I think this has taken a different definition to me than what I have always known, a new way of dying and a new way of being born, living.

So yesterday I died, and I woke up today born again!

A thank you note to my father …

I hope this gets to you because I am not coming home this weekend but am hoping one of my villager friends will read this for you … I will ask uNozuko 🙂

I just want the world to know how much you mean to me, us – me and my siblings, and how grateful we are that you call us your children.

The past 15years have all been rough and tough for all of us, after your mental breakdown. How does such a big confident strong tree fall, as your branches all life left us. Our leaves got scattered all around as we tried to make sense of the life we now had to live while witnessing the different episodes the mental illness took you through. We got scattered around the world trying to fill the gap of you awesome presence and provision. Like ships without a sailor, we got swept away in many tumulus winds and storms of life. Nothing made sense without your constant shiny smile, love, encouragement and all the great plans you had for us.

When you lost your strength, we lost it with you.
When you lost your job, we lost it with you.
When you lost the home you bought for us, we lost it with you
When you lost your smile & awesome laughter, we lost it with you

But you remained our father and we loved you still …

Like a warrior we watch you fight this illness, everyday, when you win you would cover us with words of love confidence, motivation and direction.You did not give up.

In your toughest days you remained our beloved father because when we took our first steps as toddlers you were there. When we did not know wrong from right you beat the wrong out of us and left the right spirit & attitude we now display. That time when some silly kids laughed at me because my legs were not straight, you wiped my snotty face and told me how beautiful I am because I looked like you. You were there, you shaped my confidence, you shaped our identity. A man who was proud to raise independent thinkers not afraid of standing their ground in a crazy world.

You made me a beacon of confidence and you taught me this awesome love for humanity ad the work I now do. I am as beautiful as your smile 🙂

I salute you, we salute you, because even when we left you alone trying to make sense of it all, you kept fighting through the illness and you kept loving us still.

This note is to say Enkosi Nguta omhle Sithole secuba Mafu for being such a great warrior and awesome father. Yes the past years have been very rough but I do want you to know that we are all pushing through and that life has finally remembered us and things are changing for good …because you also did not stop fighting. I hear you are teaching again. Blessed are those students to have you in front of them, because your best & GREATEST work was raising me and my siblings.

I will come home soon .. I will bring your fav cigarettes .. I cannot wait to tell you about my new quest and hear all the village stories and your work.

Enkosi Tata, sikuthanda ngothando olo gqitha iinkwenkwezi ❤

Written by Nomveliso kaMbanga kaNguta

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While I bid your soul, mate, goodbye!

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“Though I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me…Please lady, please lady, don’t just walk away,Cos I have this need to tell you why I’m all alone today” lyrics from a song by Randy Crawford

I let you have him .. because I thought you needed him more than I did

Because I could not face up to the reality that I loved him too so I let you have him because I knew how important it would be for him to be present in that life ..

But now I am feeling very selfish, like you don’t love him the way that I would have, like you don’t realise how precious my heart find him and how much you are taking him for granted when my soul is wounded by his absence. So I am sitting here looking for the love police so we could file a complaint for this atrocity.

Though we don’t talk but his heart speaks to mine and the soul realm and yearns for me escape

But I gave him to him I hoped you would love him and cherish him

But now my soul cries on his behalf, yearns for the missing piece that he gave away

In the still of the night, in the land of dreams and unspoken words, my soul searches his life’s paths and finds him still looking back over his shoulders..

What a pity he equally chose the path & life he now has

And because of that my soul has no choice but bid him goodbye

You see soul may speak unto soul, but men dutifully chooses their path ❤

But he is my soul’s mate..

No more!

P.S. Take care of my soul, love him till he forgets & till his own soul bids him peace!

Witten by Nomveliso kaMbanga kaNguta

Today I gave up ..

“The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all”.

I gave up …

I couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, the hustle and the buzzle of being a startup entrepreneur.

I gave up, because my heart longed for the warm days of the comfort a salary brings. My mind longed for the absent minded-ly swiping my card with no mental calculations of 1s and 2s before the next assured payday. In my heart I held close the joys of the comfort of my being as I know it: stylish, poised, manicured lifestyle. Being the it girl amongst my little people. I gave up even more so when I count the hours, the planning, the coordinating yet no kaching-ching on the ching-magic. I gave up even more when suppliers trusted often delay in kaching-ing you making your word untrustworthy amongst those that are equally waiting for a kaching-ching from your ching-magic. It seems this is such a vicious cycle, that constantly repeats itself. The constant delays …oh goodness the DELAYS …that LIFE churns when you have your own plan and timeline to follow.Where not even philosophical quotes matter nor have any impact.

But in the quest or process of giving up, in the midst of threats and bullying voices from those who think you have more money that you let on, I looked at this ‘product’ my gift has created, with hope and love. I realised that this is a path chosen perhaps by not the brave ..but by those foolish enough to dare to challenge LIFE squarely even if flinching every minute …and foolishly or naively say: I am here to stay … So do what you will .. I aint giving up .. MAKE me an entrepreneur!!

I am a start up entrepreneur … And these are my scars! I won the battle today ❤

By Nomveliso ka Mbanga kaNguta

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